Soul Searching

I developed a soft spot for this song over the past few months. I can't sing the chorus though, not without developing a football sized lump in my throat and bursting into tears.

Whilst sorting through some old paperwork I found an old email that I had printed out and used to have taped to the wall behind the computer desk. I think it's a great reality check from time to time when I'm getting stressed out, I just wish other people would take note of the message.

The date stamp on the email was 12th July 2004, I printed it and stuck it on the wall the day after.

Family

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too,
I wasn't watching for you"

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"move out of the way", I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realise how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yelow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they are pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'e,, especially the blue."

I said "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way".

He said "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway".

I said "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

I am having a lot of problems in my life just now, same as a lot of people do.

I need a space where I can write down my thoughts, think things through and basically try to make sense of the crap that is going on in my life.

I have a lot of difficulty opening up to people, I have difficulty expressing myself verbally. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down and express myself through written word.

Typing is preferable to putting pen to paper because when I have written something down and it doesn't make sense it is easier to go back and correct it, to make it sound more how I want it to.

Why have the blog public? Because I have supportive friends that I rarely see and live a long way away. They are able to read this when they can. They have their own families and lives which are their priority. I need support but I don't need to be an emotional leech.

Comments are disabled throughout because I don't need twits telling me to stop moaning and to get a life. The purpose of this blog is not to moan, it's to make sense of the jumble of confusing thoughts and feelings that are constantly tumbling through my head and my heart. The purpose of doing that is to regain some control rather than feeling that my life is spiralling out of control away from me.

My friends know where I am and they know how to contact me.