Soul Searching

I really don't know what to say anymore. I'm thinking, I'm wondering and I'm crying plenty, but I'm at a loss for words.

Our last councilling session was just over 2 weeks ago. There's no doubt that OH has made an effort with his parenting. In quite a few situations recently he's been managing better than me. I feel so tense, stressed, angry and resentful.

There are times I feel overwhelmed with hatred and fury. It just isn't me, I'm not that kind of person - I think it's just the years of emotions that have been bottled up finding their release. That has to be a good thing, but it can't be nice for the people that are in the house with me.

I've been trying to distance myself from people again too. Like I don't want them getting close to me. It makes me feel vulnerable and that's when the pain and hurt start looming to the surface again.

The councillor asked me "what do I want?" - I've been thinking about that ever since. I replied at the time that I wanted to be part of a family, that I wanted a husband and children that I didn't want to be a single Mum of 5 children. I'm not so sure that is what I want though.

I would rather be part of a supportive family structure with a loving partner that shares the workload than be on my own, but I would rather be on my own than be married to a child 10 years my senior that disgusts me.

I used to think that if my OH could get over his problems (which he does at least admit to having now) that things could work out okay. I'm still telling myself that, even though I know it isn't true.

OH had his Dr appointment this morning and came back rather subdued. Apparently his test results have indicated that he may have prostate cancer. He had further tests taken this morning and he has to go back in two weeks time for the results.

The most awful thing is I don't know if I believe him or not. For all I know this is another ploy to prevent me divorcing him.

Obviously if he has got prostate cancer I'm not going to divorce him at the same time he has that to deal with. I might not love him any more but I'm not heartless.

Talk about a well timed cat amongst the pigeons.

N.B.
It turns out that there are indications that he may have an enlarged prostate - no cancer!

And I cannot tell you how good it feels to know that it's not just me. We went to the beach on Sunday with friends and they saw how OH spoke to the children & me too.

He manages to convince me that I'm being too sensitive, that I take things out of all proportion, that I over-react.

But my friends turned around and said "It's not just you. You deserve better."

I thought I did, but I didn't know for sure. My belief in myself has been undermined, but now I know. I know for sure, because other people have seen it to.

It's not just me.

This morning is OH's trip to the Doctor. He asked me yesterday what should he say. I found it hard to understand, surely he can figure that out. Anyway, I've been thinking and I wrote it in a letter, just in case I don't have the opportunity to talk to him this morning before he's due to go.

L,
yesterday you asked me what you needed to say to the Doctor. It kind of took me by surprise because I didn't think it would be hard for you to figure out.
I didn't know what to say yesterday, but I have been thinking about it and decided to write it down, just in case I don't get the opportunity to this morning.
You need to tell the Doctor the truth, otherwise you will not get the help you need. By all means tell the Dr that we had a private counselling session and she recommended more couples and family sessions, but you also need to explain you are at immediate risk of losing your family. Tell the Dr about the ultimatum, the fact I have postponed filing for divorce until September, tell her you've tried to control your temper / stop drinking / talk reasonably to people, tell the Dr you've failed to do it on your own and that you need help.
Is the embarassment you will feel admitting this to someone who can help you anything compared to the loss you will feel otherwise?
L

The way our family situation is at the moment I will be filing for divorce come September. I don't start crying anymore at the thought, maybe one or two tears well up but nothing more. I'm now resigned to the fact that he cannot change.

OH found me crying yesterday and asked me what the matter was. Where do you start answering a question like that? I replied that I'd been crying a lot just recently, it's just that he hadn't caught me before.

He wanted me to talk to him. I said that there really wasn't anything to say that I hadn't already said to him - how wrong I was !!!

He tried to come and give me a cuddle but I really didn't want him near me so I moved away. He said he loved me. I said he had a funny way of showing it! I said that you don't need to be physical with someone to show them you love them, you can express love through the way you talk to people and the way you treat them. I also explained how I felt about him.

In some ways I think that being indifferent towards someone can be a good thing. I worry too much about expressing myself and hurting the people I love, even negating my own feelings and opinions to prevent hurting them. Well not anymore, not where he is concerned anyway. I told him exactly how I felt.

OH then said that he has decided to stop drinking again. Again!! He said he felt he did really well last time he stopped, 'cause he managed to go without a drink for 3 months. So if he could do it before he could do it again. Again!

Again, it's always again. Again and again and again.

Is it too much to expect emotional stability in life? I want to get off this merryground, I want to stop going round and round in circles with my emotions going up and down like a carousel horse.

Again! was the straw that broke the camels back. I never realised how much I had bottled up inside me and several hometruths came out.

He listened in good grace, didn't contradict me, didn't butt in, just listened. I couldn't believe how much I missed somebody just listening to me.

He said he'd make the appointment with the Doctor. Says he's been too busy with work and forgot to do it!

I want to be treated with love and respect.

That's all.

Nothing more.

Love and Respect.

I know what the right thing to do is, not just for the children but for me as well but I'm scared to do it. I don't know whether it's due to me hating change, being out of control of events and not knowing how the future will pan out, or, whether it's because I'm scared of the repurcussions from OHs behaviour.

He is drinking again, usually starting lunch time. He has been drinking vodka, wine and beer in some sort of combination daily for the past week. I've not seem him sober one evening this past week, I find him disgusting when he's drunk and I don't want to be around him. I don't want my children to be around him either.

Previously when I tried leaving/left he got really, really drunk. He said he had taken a load of his pills (turned out to be 6) and I ended up calling out the ambulance and the police because he locked himself in a room and was shouting a lot. It really scared the kids. He even called me from A&E to tell me he was dying - he was just so, so drunk - if he had of been that ill they wouldn't have had him sat out in the waiting room!

Shortly after that (a matter of days) he decided to go for a drive with C and didn't tell me where he was going and had no phone and I couldn't contact him. I was so scared because I thought he may have hurt himself and my baby girl.

He has already told C that if we do break up, he is going to move back down to London so he won't be able to see her very often. C of course is really, really upset by this prospect and has asked me not to divorce her Daddy because she will miss him when he moves away. How manipulative is that!!!

I feel as though my insides have been torn in two and twisted together in a great big knot.

I'm scared to stay and I'm scared to leave, so I may as well leave. Although it might be worse in the short term at least then there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's a big day out tomorrow, yet I can't sleep. Not because I am worried about my 11 year old daughter abseiling 225ft off a bridge but because of one grating moment of so called effort.

I was sat using the PC, checking up on the Dog Blog & Forums. OH had decided, in his inebriated state, that there was nothing on the TV or Radio he was interested in so he asked me how I was getting on with the Dogs.

I replied that he isn't interested in the Dogs (believe me he's made that all too clear). "Oh I'm not. But you usually have something to tell me about them when I'm watching telly, and as there's cr@p on the TV and they're playing cr@p songs on the radio I thought now would be a good time to try and show some interest in what you're doing". Another perfect example of where I am held in his esteem.

Another perfect example is the fly spray. He keeps using this chemical spray in the house to kill flies despite the fact that my eldest daughter and I are asthmatic. I'm fairly sure it isn't much good for the dog and the other three children to be breathing that stuff in either. But he reckons that it's more important to be killing the germ ridden flies, than to worry about the effects of the chemical sprays on the childrens and my lungs.

These are the same germ-ridden flies who carcasses would litter the tops of the furniture and the edges of the carpets because he'll kill them, or squish them on the walls or carpet, but he'll never clean up afterwards. He leaves that for me to do.

Today the children were called in for tea, but before he put their food out he sprayed fly spray in the dining room. It was rank, the room was hazy because of the amount of spray in it. My 11yo daughter started to catch her breath and cough, so she opened the back door to let some of the spray out and fresh air in. "What are you doing you stupid cow, the flies are out there you'll let them all back in the house. I only just sprayed it in here to kill them all so you could eat". This is the same 11 year old who has raised over £200 for her charity abseil tomorrow.

I'm having nightmares about him shouting at us and I've flinched when he's gone to try and touch me. I'm nearly as bad now as I was after living with my 1st husband.

I'm glad I'm sleeping in a seperate room, it gives me space. It allows me to take a step back and just witness what is happening. Now I am, my feelings towards him are swinging between anger and contempt. Still no sign on the anger management classes, still no appointment made at the Doctor, still no sign of seeking counselling.

I wish I hadn't agreed to give him until September because it seems he was just taking us all for a ride again, but I'll stand by what I said. It's only a few more weeks.

Maybe now, after getting that off my chest I will be able to sleep.

This morning he made the comment. "I can't do anything right, no matter what I do it will always be wrong". Wow, trying to behave normally is getting to him already.

So what do I do, I either keep my mouth shut and not say anything when the children get upset by what he says (of course it's their fault for being so thin skinned ) or I speak up to try and get him on the right track.

It's not like I mouth off or anything. I say "that wasn't necessary" or "that came across a bit harshly" or "you're getting loud again". If I didn't say anything things would just degenerate even more quickly and if I lost my temper then it would end up like armegeddon (from me not him - I would just explode again, and from experience that doesn't work either)

He seems to be under the delusion that the only problem is his temper. He doesn't seem to get that his attitude causes a problem too, even though I've explained it several times.

Even though he has not lost control of his temper the rage is still bubbling underneath and the comments that are made can be harsh. One occasion has had K has tearful again because of it. C has been crying too because of some stupid comment that was made as a joke. The children don't take jokes from him because they are used to his criticism and they automatically think he is being mean. I said to him that he needed to go and talk to C, say he was sorry that he upset her and that it was meant as a joke and he hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. Instead he watched TV.

I almost feel like I am supposed to flick this magical switch and carry on life as if nothing has happened. Like the children and I are supposed to welcome (once again) this "changed" man.

I'm sorry if that is what is expected of me because I can't do it. How can you suddenly forget years of verbal abuse and witnessing constant bullying of your children and then carry on "normally" (that's a ridiculous word - it should be carry on dysfunctionally). I won't do it any longer, I can't.

I'm feeling stronger today, after that ridiculous comment this morning, because it has really driven home that we are obviously not worth the effort. I'm feeling strong enough to tell him that later on today too.

I believe the adage goes something like that, depending on which side of the pond you're on.

Why three times? I don't know. If I packed it all in now would I feel any less or more guilty than I do already. Come to think of it why do I feel guilty at all? Again, I don't know.

Once I left. I went into a Womens Refuge with my 3 children. I stayed a week because I felt that the problems I was having were mainly based with my relationship with my mother rather my husband. Once I was away from everybody that's how it felt, so I came back. I sorted out the problems I was having with my mother and things are okay there now.

Things got bad at home again, this time I knew it wasn't to do with my mother, so I started looking around for somewhere else to live. I was thinking of moving into the next town with the children, but I got to talking with my husband and we had a reconciliation and things were going to be okay. That's when I stayed and that's when I found out I was pregnant with no.4

Now I'm pregnant again. The amount of soul searching I did to decide whether to keep the baby or not was unbelievable. The conclusion I came to was simple. The baby has as much right to life on Earth as any other one of us. I didn't have a problem with having the baby, my problem was bringing another child into this world with my husband as their father. So I gave an ultimatum, "get your act together or get out".

He didn't get his act together so I told him I was going to file for divorce and I stuck to my guns. Nothing he could say would make me change my mind. I was even able to give examples of how he treated us, kind of role playing, and a look of shock crossed his face. Could it really be that he didn't realise that is how badly he has been treating us.

He even said sorry, for the second time in 8 years together and a whole host of crap, he gave me an apology.

Now I'm confused - is he genuine? - is this for real? - am I unfair not giving him another chance, an opportunity to make amends? Or am I being taken on another emotional rollercoaster ride? I don't know for sure, but I'm going with experience rather than hope this time.

I did not relent (as such) I have stated that I will continue to sleep in the spare room until the children return to school in September and I will make my decision then. I have 5 months left to file for divorce where I can use as evidence the last lot of verbal abuse.

Yesterday he actually said that he thought he'd done really well and he was pleased with himself for keeping control of his temper. That's not something to be impressed about, that's just be normal behaviour, not anything special.

This amazing event was also coloured by the fact that he started drinking a bottle of dark rum just after lunch and had just about finished it (bar 3/4 of a glass) by the time he crashed out last night. I noticed what little was left in the fridge this morning and also noticed it was gone before lunch time.

He was more like himself today, except without the shouting, swearing and name-calling. He was still intrusive and over-bearing at times.

Is it really up to me to pull him up for everything I don't like about his behavior? Every time I think that he is being unreasonable? I don't see that it should be. Should a grown man of nearly 50 need to be shown so simplistically how to handle a situation rationally? Even when I have said in the past he doesn't take it in. It doesn't matter how many times I have said "I don't like it when you raise your voice to me and talk to me like that" it hasn't stopped him. So why now? Why is he so eager to put things right now?

Truth be known, I don't think he is willing to put things right. I don't think for one moment he is doing this for the family. I think he is doing this for himself. To save his face. He doesn't want the embarrassment of being divorced because his behavior is more than we can bear to live with.

I know why I feel guilty now though. It's because he was pleading with me to give him another chance. He said "Don't do this. Don't break the family up. I don't want this to be a dysfunctional family".

We're already a dysfunctional family and getting divorced is not going to make that situation any worse. This is not the kind of family I want my children to grow up in. Children need to be a part of a family that loves and respects each other.

I don't need to feel guilty because of the way he has treated us and I don't need to feel guilty about wanting a better quality of life for myself and my children.

Even if he genuinely changes in the next couple of months I don't know if I could still continue to live with him. It doesn't seem right to live a lie to me. I don't love him, those feelings died a long time ago. But the kids deserve a decent Daddy, if he changes do I negate my feelings and live a lie for the sake of everyone else? It's the sort of thing I'm used to doing.

No wonder I've been crying a lot today.

I am having a lot of problems in my life just now, same as a lot of people do.

I need a space where I can write down my thoughts, think things through and basically try to make sense of the crap that is going on in my life.

I have a lot of difficulty opening up to people, I have difficulty expressing myself verbally. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down and express myself through written word.

Typing is preferable to putting pen to paper because when I have written something down and it doesn't make sense it is easier to go back and correct it, to make it sound more how I want it to.

Why have the blog public? Because I have supportive friends that I rarely see and live a long way away. They are able to read this when they can. They have their own families and lives which are their priority. I need support but I don't need to be an emotional leech.

Comments are disabled throughout because I don't need twits telling me to stop moaning and to get a life. The purpose of this blog is not to moan, it's to make sense of the jumble of confusing thoughts and feelings that are constantly tumbling through my head and my heart. The purpose of doing that is to regain some control rather than feeling that my life is spiralling out of control away from me.

My friends know where I am and they know how to contact me.