I believe the adage goes something like that, depending on which side of the pond you're on.
Why three times? I don't know. If I packed it all in now would I feel any less or more guilty than I do already. Come to think of it why do I feel guilty at all? Again, I don't know.
Once I left. I went into a Womens Refuge with my 3 children. I stayed a week because I felt that the problems I was having were mainly based with my relationship with my mother rather my husband. Once I was away from everybody that's how it felt, so I came back. I sorted out the problems I was having with my mother and things are okay there now.
Things got bad at home again, this time I knew it wasn't to do with my mother, so I started looking around for somewhere else to live. I was thinking of moving into the next town with the children, but I got to talking with my husband and we had a reconciliation and things were going to be okay. That's when I stayed and that's when I found out I was pregnant with no.4
Now I'm pregnant again. The amount of soul searching I did to decide whether to keep the baby or not was unbelievable. The conclusion I came to was simple. The baby has as much right to life on Earth as any other one of us. I didn't have a problem with having the baby, my problem was bringing another child into this world with my husband as their father. So I gave an ultimatum, "get your act together or get out".
He didn't get his act together so I told him I was going to file for divorce and I stuck to my guns. Nothing he could say would make me change my mind. I was even able to give examples of how he treated us, kind of role playing, and a look of shock crossed his face. Could it really be that he didn't realise that is how badly he has been treating us.
He even said sorry, for the second time in 8 years together and a whole host of crap, he gave me an apology.
Now I'm confused - is he genuine? - is this for real? - am I unfair not giving him another chance, an opportunity to make amends? Or am I being taken on another emotional rollercoaster ride? I don't know for sure, but I'm going with experience rather than hope this time.
I did not relent (as such) I have stated that I will continue to sleep in the spare room until the children return to school in September and I will make my decision then. I have 5 months left to file for divorce where I can use as evidence the last lot of verbal abuse.
Yesterday he actually said that he thought he'd done really well and he was pleased with himself for keeping control of his temper. That's not something to be impressed about, that's just be normal behaviour, not anything special.
This amazing event was also coloured by the fact that he started drinking a bottle of dark rum just after lunch and had just about finished it (bar 3/4 of a glass) by the time he crashed out last night. I noticed what little was left in the fridge this morning and also noticed it was gone before lunch time.
He was more like himself today, except without the shouting, swearing and name-calling. He was still intrusive and over-bearing at times.
Is it really up to me to pull him up for everything I don't like about his behavior? Every time I think that he is being unreasonable? I don't see that it should be. Should a grown man of nearly 50 need to be shown so simplistically how to handle a situation rationally? Even when I have said in the past he doesn't take it in. It doesn't matter how many times I have said "I don't like it when you raise your voice to me and talk to me like that" it hasn't stopped him. So why now? Why is he so eager to put things right now?
Truth be known, I don't think he is willing to put things right. I don't think for one moment he is doing this for the family. I think he is doing this for himself. To save his face. He doesn't want the embarrassment of being divorced because his behavior is more than we can bear to live with.
I know why I feel guilty now though. It's because he was pleading with me to give him another chance. He said "Don't do this. Don't break the family up. I don't want this to be a dysfunctional family".
We're already a dysfunctional family and getting divorced is not going to make that situation any worse. This is not the kind of family I want my children to grow up in. Children need to be a part of a family that loves and respects each other.
I don't need to feel guilty because of the way he has treated us and I don't need to feel guilty about wanting a better quality of life for myself and my children.
Even if he genuinely changes in the next couple of months I don't know if I could still continue to live with him. It doesn't seem right to live a lie to me. I don't love him, those feelings died a long time ago. But the kids deserve a decent Daddy, if he changes do I negate my feelings and live a lie for the sake of everyone else? It's the sort of thing I'm used to doing.
No wonder I've been crying a lot today.