Soul Searching

I told my OH that I was going to file for divorce. He says that he will leave and let us get on with our lives in peace. He has said that he will go later this week, but he doesn't know where he will go to (probably London) and he doesn't know what he will do. He also doesn't have any money to do it with, well not much.

I feel really sad about it, because I don't really want him to go, but I know he must. When he isn't drinking he's okay. I get on well with him and we have a laugh, but he still can't understand how to behave towards the children and how to treat them. The children deserve better.

I think this has been the single most painful decision I have ever made in my life. I still love my OH, despite all the pain he has caused me. I cannot imagine what my life is going to be like without his company, except harder and lonelier. Yet I know it is the right decision to make and I know that I have to see it through.

I hope that he will realise what he has done, and hope that we are worth fighting for. Unfortunately I know from my reading and from other peoples personal experiences that most people like my OH don't overcome their problems and carry on behaving in the same way. I hope my OH is one of the exceptions to that generalisation.

Since I told my OH about my decision he started drinking again. He hadn't really had anything much to drink since New Years and he's much more pleasant when he isn't drinking. He had me doubting whether I was making the right choice at one point, but then he started drinking again and I knew that I had. The day that I told him he drank 4 litres of cider and a half bottle of vodka. Then on Sunday (when he was supposed to be doing the roast dinner for us and our house guest) he got really drunk then. I know he drank a bottle of dark rum, but don't know if there was anything else. 2:30am on Monday he emailed me an apology. I think that was the second (possibly third) genuine heartfelt apology that I have ever received off him. Part of me can't help but believe that he was still under the influence when he wrote it. The other two times he's apologised has been when I found out he'd been lieing to me for 5 years and then another time when I was going to leave.

I feel strangely at peace at the moment, but hurt and tearful all the same. I get to see my councellor this morning. Maybe she will be able to help me come to terms with the consequences of my decision and the muddled emotions I have coursing through me.

I'm a little behind with my blogging on account of baby A arriving 3 days ago.

I did just want to put on the record that OH did take pay attention to what I wrote in my email to him and stayed sober over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We had a lovely time and it was nice.

Unfortunately his drinking has been to pot since then and it doesn't look like there is any hope at all.

He is wrapped up in his own inner turmoil and pain too much. It seems much easier to drink and let life pass you by than to suffer the pain that goes with the pleasures. In the same manner that he won't let himself attatch to a pet because it hurts too much to lose one, he also will not allow himself to get close to his family. Unfortunately by behaving in this manner he has done nothing but push us away earlier than if he had waited for old age or illness to take us from him.

Now there is nothing to do but save up divorce fees and let him drink himself to death on his own, where his beautiful children and I don't have to watch him do it. At least I can honestly say I tried.

There will be more added to this blog as I will be using it to record recent events (my labor day and other fun times) plus past journal entries I haven't got around to entering yet.

Take care and a Happy New Year to all.

The baby was due on 21st December. I've been really cranky and uncomfortable since then. It hasn't done much for my temperament and I have been quite snappy with people. I have been having niggling type contractions but nothing that ever seems to get going. They will start off, build up and then stop after a few hours. The worst is when they start in the middle of the night because I can't get any sleep then.

I had been sleeping on the sofa so that I didn't have to listen to OH snoring, but I was too big and cumbersome by now to get comfortable down there. I felt that I had no choice but to sleep back in the big bed.

Anyway, on 29th December I start having contractions again. They start after lunch - I'd had a membrane sweep at the hospital on the morning so I most most uncomfy. OH doesn't seem to be dealing with the situation very well and starts drinking at lunch time.

He knows that today is likely to be the day because of the sweep I had in the morning, but he drinks anyway. By the time I realise that these contractions are to stay, OH was quite drunk. Not silly falling down, or throwing up type drunk, but the "I feel so useless, I wish I could do something" type drunk. I needed him away from me, I had contractions to concentrate on and they were getting stronger. I couldn't find my lavender oil anywhere so I asked him if he would go into the village and get some for me. He couldn't find any and did offer to go into the town centre, but I felt that was too far away.

By the time evening was here, the contractions were painful and full strength but still had not regulated. As my waters had not broken either I knew that they would not be interested at the hospital, despite the fact that it was baby no.5.

I tried to make the lounge as relaxing as possible for me. I had some oils going in a make shift burner. I turned out the overhead lights and just had the lamp and display cabinet lights on. Then I turned on some relaxing music on the stereo.

The first piece of music was by Albonini, one of my favourite pieces. OH in the other room who is quite jovial starts making comments about it being funeral music. I told him I found it relaxing. I went upstairs to use the toilet, mainly to get away from OH to try and calm down a bit as I was getting really stressed out with him being drunk, and I wanted to remain calm for the birth (well as calm as you can!).

When I came down he had turned all the lights on, turned off my music and put Mythbusters on the TV. I was close to tears by now - I know he was drunk but he seemed to be doing a good job of insensitive and thoughtless too.

I ended up having a bit of a do with the midwife on the phone at the hospital then. I'd been told that they had to phone an ambulance to transport me, but when I spoke to her she said that I had to do that myself.

Anyway I transferred to hospital at 9:30pm and the baby was born less than two hours later.

But importantly the baby arrived safely. She's fit and healthy and she's beautiful.

When the hospital gave me the scan date the midwife said to me that this had better not turn out to be a Christmas baby. I agreed entirely with that sentiment but seeing as the other children pretty much turned up on and before their scan dates this never seemed an issue, until now.

Now I am so worried I go into labour today or tomorrow. Partly because it will suck for the little one growing up and having their birthday over-shadowed by all the Christmas fun & festivities, but also because from previous experience I can virtually guarantee that OH will not be sober.

He has had to remain pretty much sober since I refused to give him any money, but he found out last week that he his due some compensation from an old employee. A minimum payment of £1000 which he will be getting in the New Year. He hasn't got it yet, but he has been drinking every day for the past few days and I know I haven't given him any money - I can only assume that he is using his overdraft. I did think at one point that he was using some of the business money because he told me he was going to be taking some money out of that account, but I don't think that there was enough money in there for the amount that I believe must have been spent recently.

I am so worried that I go into labour and he is too drunk to take care of the kids. He says he is capable of taking care of them, but he isn't. He doesn't even care for them properly when he is sober, if he did we wouldn't have been seeing the councellor for the past few months.

I have arranged for my Mum to come and collect the children if need be. If he refuses to hand them over I will be giving her the telephone numbers for social services and Stockton police too. She is prepared to call them in to back her up. Can you imagine the level of desperation I must be feeling to come up with the idea of having my children taken into care at Christmas time if I'm not here? No amount of councelling will ever right this anticipated wrong. Let's hope to Gods I'm wrong.

I developed a soft spot for this song over the past few months. I can't sing the chorus though, not without developing a football sized lump in my throat and bursting into tears.

I didn't get to blog this when it happened, so I'm unsure of the exact day, although remembering that I was decorating and knowing that it was not gloss paint, means it would either have been sometime Saturday or Sunday morning.

I was painting on the other side of the lounge door, OH was sitting at the computer. All of a sudden I here a thump and the sounds of both K and B crying. Now bear in mind that K is 13, autistic and clumsy, whilst B is 3 years old.

I come through the door to find out if everyone is okay, at the same time that OH has stood up from the computer desk.

K&B are in a heap on the floor together crying and OH shouts at K "What the hell have you done now?" K sobbing replies "I just tripped over".

I was so cross with OH. I told him that considering there had been an accident and that two children were crying his priorities should be to ensure that the children were not badly injured rather than trying to apportion blame.

K was really scared and upset even more by the incident because of the shouting. He was already scared enough because he thought he had hurt B.

I know the councellor said that you should not undermine the other parents authority in front of the children and you should talk to them about the incident afterwards when the children are not there, but what can you do in a situation like that? I'm not going to let him carry on having a go at a poor kid that is already upset and scared, especially when we have had similar conversations before. The point obviously hasn't sunk in because he is still trying to blame somebody rather than ensure that the children don't need medical attention/first aid.

Whilst sorting through some old paperwork I found an old email that I had printed out and used to have taped to the wall behind the computer desk. I think it's a great reality check from time to time when I'm getting stressed out, I just wish other people would take note of the message.

The date stamp on the email was 12th July 2004, I printed it and stuck it on the wall the day after.

Family

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too,
I wasn't watching for you"

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"move out of the way", I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realise how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yelow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they are pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'e,, especially the blue."

I said "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way".

He said "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway".

I said "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

I was going to email this to OH, but I didn't - I felt that he would just think it was another hormonally drive tirade. However I worked so much out of my system by writing it that I am keeping it here.

It needs to be said that I may be hormonal at the moment, however the things I am upset about I have a right to be upset about and I make no apologies for that. I may have got extremely upset when C did not tidy her bedroom as asked, however you have no right to say to her that it is because of my hormones. I was upset with her because she wasn't tidying her room. I did mean what I said about not giving her any presents in future if she won't look after the stuff she has got already. If the children already have too much stuff to look after their rooms are never going to get any cleaner by giving them more stuff are they?

You projecting your attitude of "Oh it's just hormones, I can ignore it" onto C is highly irresponsible. Hormones may make me more volatile, they may make me react more easily to stuff that annoys me, but I'm only reacting to stuff that annoys me anyway. If you ever bothered listening to anything I said rather than just writing it off as hormones all these years, if you actually bothered to realise that I was hurting inside because of being continually let down or ignored then our relationship wouldn't be in such a state as it is now.

You said the other day that you thought we should sit down and talk a couple of times a week. I think that would be a wonderful idea if you would actually listen to anything I said and take it in, but I don't believe you will. I also wonder why you would think this would be beneficial considering how hormone-driven, irrational and over-sensitive you currently think I am.

During the past week I have asked for you to do several things for me and you said you would do it "That day" or "I can do that" and you haven't. No doubt you have been very busy in the past few days on the internet and trying to find time to commit yourself to sorting stuff out around the home must be very difficult for you, especially as you make it quite clear how painful your back and hip is. I suppose then we should just write off the rest of your life as being unable to do anything should we? Or do I have to get the martyr routine for every little thing that you do do?

You complain about my step-fathers attitude about his ailments, well his are far worse than yours and at least he tries to get on with his life and do stuff about it. You complain about my brother D, okay he's a piece of work too but not too dissimilar in a lot of ways to you, at least he is hard-working. What right do you think you have to ridicule my family? You are the only person I am related to that I am embarrased about, at least the rest of my family seek solutions for their problems. They don't expect them to be handed them on a plate. This is the real reason I won't wear your ring - I am embarrassed to call you my husband.

If you genuinely want to try and understand all that you have put me through. All my upsets, all my downs, all the feelings you have generated inside me - then read this blog. Remember that it isn't hormonally driven, it's emotionally driven.

All the emotions are raw, painful and coursing through my body every minute of every day and it's how you've treated me and the children that have caused this. A family is a multi-faceted relationship. I've given all I've got and have been left broken hearted and dis-illusioned. This is your responsibility to sort out now because I have done everything that I am prepared to do and there's nothing more for me to give.

I get a bit fed up of the comments that I don't like the physical side of a relationship. This is not true at all - I really do like getting physical. Thing is, I don't like getting physical with OH. OH thinks this is because I like women, that's not untrue but I like men too. Having said that I have never been in a physical relationship with a woman, but I do know that I find them more attractive than men, from a sexual perpective anyway. I guess I'm bi-sexual, I don't have a problem with that.

What I don't like is somebody who smells, may be drunk, is highly overweight, has a bad skin problem in various areas of their anatomy trying to get amourous. Especially when that person is in the habit of being bad-tempered or just downright ignores you. Somebody that doesn't shower or clean their teeth as frequently as they should, dresses and behaves like a slob and has a constant case of flatulance.

Sorry - but I don't find grumpy, smelly people who don't take care of their basic personal hygiene requirements sexy.

I've got one week until the baby is born and I'm decorating the stairwell. I have a list of stuff that needs doing around the house to make sure everything is ready for Christmas - I may be in hospital at the time or at home but not capable of doing stuff.

The bathroom reeks of pee, 'cause somebody has missed the toilet bowl and peed over the back of toilet seat, floor and nappy bucket. The dogs bedding all needs washing because of his incontinence. The house needs vacuuming through and the laminate needs washing down. The laundry is overflowing. I have a stack load of paperwork to get in order and sort through because basically we haven't got the space to store it all and it isn't all essential. The house is beginning to look like a rubbish tip because of the stuff that's coming back from the lock-up and is being strewn around the place. The kitchen side is covered with empty beer bottles being saved for when the next homebrew is started - the rest of the kit for that is in strategic places like other counter-top areas and the dining room table.

I'm fed up with being told what's happening on the news everytime he reads something - if I wanted to read the news I would read it myself (if I could get near the PC anyway - honestly there are days I feel I could put a brick through the screen of this thing)

And whilst all this is going on I'm trying to finish Christmas presents - which is my relaxing job whilst mentally preparing myself for giving birth sometime in the next week or so.

Why do I let people do this to me? Why do I let them get away with it? Why can't I just say get your bloody act together and get your priorites right? I know full well that my parents and brother would help me out, if it was for me - but they won't because they don't see why they should bust a gut helping me do stuff when it's OH that will benefit from it too - he's the one that should be taking pride in his family and in his home, but we just aren't as interesting as all those internet sites I guess.

Of course in his opinion I'm wrong. He doesn't spend hours reading and/or watching TV. He works really hard and he's a hard done by thing with a shrew like wife that works too hard. I wonder if he's ever stopped to consider why I work too hard? If he's ever wondered what state the house would be in if I just stopped doing anything at all. If I let all the junk accumulate, if I didn't bother cleaning up the the pee, if I didn't bother vacuuming or decorating. Oh - my mistake, he does know what the house would look like - it would look like his old house before I moved in.

My father was right - I am stupid. I should have seen this right from the start and never bothered moving in with him in the first place. We all know OH isn't a skivvy so can't really expect him to lower himself to help out with housework or pick up after the younger children (note to self - must teach 3 year old to clear her place at the table, scrape her plate and load it into the dishwasher - but only putting her stuff in the 'correct' places so not to upset OH).

Despite his assurances that he really wanted a wife and a family, I've come to the conclusion that what he really wants is to be left alone, to do his own thing, to behave as he sees fit with no regard for the anyone else because we're all in the way. The only exception to that is his two-in-one model skivvy and whore who he would have at his beck and call if he could.